I’m tired; the last six weeks have been non-stop in the realm of EMS, it’s like the world is burning to the ground but we can’t see it. We have almost daily machete fights, the opiate overdoses are getting younger and more lethal, we have citizens giving Narcan like its water to patients, and I hear the wailing of mothers, daughters, sisters, and grandmothers all the time. I haven’t gone a day that I haven’t had to say “leave everything as you found it; we are sending someone to assist you” to someone who found a loved one long since dead in their home or room.

I am struggling with new schedules, new routines, and the fact I honestly feel I am on the shaky ground all the time, just waiting for the next crisis or catastrophe to happen. This is a trauma response, I get it, that knowledge doesn’t help at all, but at least I have a name for it. I have pretty much given up on the idea of being happy, but then I also gave up on feeling sad, angry, excited, or scared. I am simply living each moment and then, it goes away like popping a bubble. I recognize I am burned out, and the abnormal weather we have had recently is affecting me. But this is affecting me in a lot of ways, I am supposed to be going on a hunting trip in a few weeks, and I honestly don’t want to go right now, I don’t want to do anything right now other than work on Korstog Training stuff and sleep, oh do I want to sleep, sleep is my safe time, I don’t have nightmares, or if they are supposed to be nightmares, they aren’t very good, in fact they are downright mundane. I have a couple of days off this week and then the wife and I are getting a way for a little bit next weekend, I don’t plan on anything next weekend, I just want to spend time with my wife, I don’t want to worry about work, business, friends, Operation Blazing Sword, Pink Pistols, Korstog Training, or anything related to those things unless they are someone handing me a sack of money that isn’t attached to something I have to pay back.

I’m sure once I get going to Texas in a month and get down there and can soak up some sunshine and take on some invasive porcine menaces ill feel a little better. I can also zone out a bunch in my stand and enjoy nature, perhaps ill see a mountain lion again, or a coyote, or better yet a raccoon, maybe the raccoon will climb up and be my friend for a little while, I would share my rasins with it.