it occurred to me a long time ago that once I am in one solid piece again I will have to explore just what I can and can’t do in the realm of personal protection both in real life but also on the stage. for years I have always been considered a ground fighter, i started off as a wrestler in elementary and junior high, transitioned to Tae Kwon Do, from there I went to Krav Maga and explored some Brazilian Jujitsu along with all of the WMA styles. This experience gave me still sets to bring an unruly patient tot he ground and get them to submit with limited concerns for injury on both parts. I became relatively competent with knives, tomahawks, clubs, and if needed guns.

I wrote earlier that all of the subsequent injuries I have sustained after my cancer surgery have greatly reduced my ability to move, and in many ways have eliminated my ability to utilize all of those skills I was so proud of having for the last 30 plus years. I had to come to the realization that I am potentially seen as a victim by the individuals who prowl my neighborhood, these individuals are know to assault the elderly as well as the in-firmed for the purposes of armed robbery. I actually avoid going out, I missed soem great opportunities this week during a very unseasonably warm stretch we had in Minnesota, I didn’t want to risk getting into an altercation with these individuals, as sickening as it sounds it was for their protection and not mine, I wanted to be challenged, and to be tested again, i legitimately wanted to hurt someone. I get how that can be seen as wrong, we do not go out looking for a fight, but I acknowledge that this whole experience has battered me greatly, I am constantly reminded that I am lesser because of it, and I want to unleash that rage upon the life of someone that I do not consider worthy of mercy or grace, and that frightens me.

I am hoping that after my reduction and should it be successful that i can begin slowly working my body and my mind to learn new skills, new techniques, the concept of Salt and Kali intrigue me especially the use of the Karambit knife and stick fighting, maybe i will eventually becoem more physically able and will no longer harbor this deep felt anger and resentment.

So who knows what life will hold for me.