I used to be a very dynamic individual, I used to run up stairs and jump onto random objects with out a care. I used to be able to go to the bathroom without having to stand there for 2 minutes hoping everything had come out. I used to not have to use a walker to go more than a few feet. I also used to not be able to feel my left hip and leg shift whenever I sat down. These things make me very self conscious, I don’t like going out in public, and especially don’t like going to my friends events, I get enough of the sympathy looks from people who don’t know me, and especially don’t know I had the dreaded cancer word, other than the bad hip I look perfectly normal and the assumption of it was some sort of trauma is easy to see. This has caused me some serious social anxiety, I honestly feel like anytime I am asked to go someplace I will have to feel the eyes of sympathy cast on me. I hate being the target of sympathy, that’s just not me I prefer to be the guy who stands in the back row, gives a bit of money and shows up to move the heavy stuff so the person who is less able can relax, I hate to admit it but I might have been making my friends feel bad all these years because I might not have given them enough credit.

Today not only am I driving an hour away to a friends house, but I will also be negotiating steps, seeing old friends, seeing newer friends, and likely meeting new people. I expect the usual questions of how are you, what’s up etc, I also anticipate the “other” question, “what’s next?” well I don’t know, I see my surgeon (new surgeon who is really good with hips) on Monday. I anticipate that discussion centering around a revision of my hip replacement.