September 8th of this year will mark 23 years of EMS experience for me, in that time I have treated everything from sprained toes and the flu all the way to babies murdered by mothers too drunk to understand why we wont let he see her baby. When I first started we were told in vague terms that we needed to find ways to relieve the stress, for many of my friends in the Emergency Services Industry that lead to alcohol, risk taking, and infidelity to their partners. For me it lead to getting out of my suburban comfort zone and engaging in activities like sky diving, under water diving, tactical medicine, and looking for the next big thrill.  Much of my daring do ended when I met my wife, not that she tried to stop me in anyway, I just had a better outlet for my desires, the fact she got me into sword fighting didn’t hurt either.
For years I managed to keep my demons safely tethered behind the wall of my psyche, every so often one would get out and I would have to deal with the ick, but by and large I was doing pretty good. What I never expected was that in 2013 I would get laid off from my web design job at Gage Marketing where I loved everything about my job, I just wasn’t very good at it looking back now. That year I would develop recurrent cellulitis infections which would put me down for awhile, I would also start working at a hospital in their simulation lab, I thought that would be a good place for me, I was working in the medical field, I was building awesome models, teaching, and in general having a wonderful time. What I didn’t realize was that every hour I spent sitting in the office all alone, often in the dark with nothing productive to do was putting big cracks in my walled off demon pen, every so often those demons would get out and I would have to slam the filters down on them so I didn’t blow up at work. Then April 20th of 2014 I was told I had Cancer, Chrondrosarcoma of the pelvis, and it was in a really bad spot, I did the dumb thing and went to google and was horrified by what I saw. I spent several weeks stewing in my own juices, I lost a ton of weight because I just couldn’t eat in the mornings, I remember feeling like this was somehow my fault. My surgery came and went and I came through like a champ, I was up and moving that day and my inner demons were stuffed safely back into their pen, I knew I couldn’t stay at the hospital so I went back to corporate America and did web design, it didn’t take long to realize this was a big mistake and my issues started all over again, thankfully the universe was looking out for me and I soon went to work as a Paramedic full time again, Mrs. ZM likely thought I was nuts, but all of a sudden my badly damaged demon pen wall was built anew, I was not only surrounded by like minded people who made sure everyone went home in the same condition they arrived in but were fully able to help fight your demons with you, it was a very healing time for me.

When my Cancer came back in late 2015 and we watched it grow through the first few months of 2016 I wasn’t as worried as I was before, I knew I was in for a hell of a ride, but I was surrounded by good people who made sure I knew who to call when things got dark, I wont rehash the surgery and aftermath here I have done that enough through this blog,  But I will go into detail of what this did to my emotions and my over all metal health. I am numb, I don’t feel much of anything now days, I am not happy, I am not sad, I just am, I can fake it pretty well, and there are days where I still laugh, still get angry, and other emotions so I am not totally gone, just my day to day life is for the most part devoid of any real emotions. This lack of emotions makes it hard for me to say the words I know I should say, I don’t see beauty the same way anymore, I find myself being jealous of those who can walk without a walker or cane, we watch a lot of reality tv in dispatch and I find myself wishing I had their problems.
So where does that leave me? I am trying to regain the emotional levels I once had, but I honestly wonder if I ever will be able to, maybe this is a case of “these eyes have seen to much, these hands have touched to long, and this heart has broken to many times”

I need a vacation, someplace nice and quiet, where I can sit and fish and not talk to anyone other than the wind, the wind listens and then it blows your words away so that no creature may hear them and they are gone.

I think I’m ok, just tired.