I am going to talk about scars for a moment, both physical but also emotional scars. I can talk about all of the emotional scars working in EMS has given me, from the long nights dealing with an almost endless stream of drunk or indigent people who have lost all hope, to the children who have had their bodies and minds destroyed by drugs and abuse. Those calls have all stuck with me, to this day if I let it I can still hear the raspy voice of the dying elderly woman who wanted to die in her own bed surrounded by her family and memories, but because she didn’t have a DNR order and her family was afraid of getting in trouble we had to transport, desperately asking for “something cool to drink” I being young and inexperienced didn’t know I should, and didn’t have a spare bottle of water set aside for that purpose, I have heard that voice a lot lately.

I have the physical scars as well, from stepping on nails, scarred up knuckles from fights, more scars from scrapping my hands on rough walls and floors trying to pick people up, to the stab wound I have from a deranged old man whose dementia had gotten to the point he thought we were Japanese soldiers coming to interrogate him.

I carry those scars with me, most of those are the testament that I have been “there” and done “that”. The others are the ones I stuff deep inside and try not to look at to often, they are the things you can only talk about with your partner and if you are truly blessed your co workers who will listen, offer some wise words and never mention it again. That is how many of us were trained when we started, you held it in and only let it out in select company and never ever in front of those who were not there or didn’t experience the same.

I have some other scars to. I have a scar on left knee from when I blew out my MCL while picking up a pen on a call. I have scars from when I put up an Ikea wardrobe after my first cancer surgery, it marked the first big project I did and my first real experience of being healthy again. there are others, but the newest scars, the ones from last summer are the ones that have effected me the most of late.

I have a scar that runs from the middle of my right hip all the way around to my left buttock, it splits about mid thigh and runs down my leg, the portion over my  buttock curves down and back so it looks like a baseball. Internally all of the muscles and tissues were cut and sewn back together, I have very little feeling in that area and the left thigh frequently burns, and I am always sore in that area. Those scars also came with several months of hospital time, and long rehab days. They also came with a fear of losing my job at a time when we really could use the money, as well as rushing to take a new job, probably before I was ready or at least before I knew I was ready.
Those scars brought with them a meeker person in me, one who was just trying to please people and not be a bother. From declining to get a ride from transport from the parking ramp to dispatch, a walk of three blocks via the skyway to pushing my body hard enough that I would be red in the face and sweating by the time I reached dispatch. Those scars also brought with them some issues with my relationship with Mrs. ZM, not only was I not expressing my needs effectively, but I had become a hermit, to be fare we do live in Minnesota and the threat of an icy sidewalk or snow filled street was very real, but regardless I was doing everything in my power to not go out, mostly because I didn’t want to be seen by my friends as being crippled, I hate that look of sympathy from people. I will also say that I lost a lot of ability to perform other tasks vital to a healthy marriage, as I am learning it is because I was ashamed of who I had become, I was ashamed that the guy who once made a serial child rapist flee for his life, had fought death countless times and won a few more minutes, hours, and yes even years for another person, couldn’t even put his socks on without help, I was on a ton of anti infection meds that not only made my sweat smell god awful they also gave me a form of chemically induced paranoid schizophrenia and several other symptoms consistent with severe liver disease, because those drugs were attacking my liver.  All of this was making Mrs. Zm miserable, she could barely sleep next to me without wanting to wretch, I was becoming not a good man, it was effecting my job, and my relationship with my family, I was literally worried I was going to lose the woman who I would fight ten thousand pedophile clowns covered in mushrooms and waving bags full of that brown crap they put in g tubes to see the smile on her face again.

As fortune would have it, my Secondary Orthopedic Surgeon who is my primary orthopedic surgeon’s partner pulled me off all of that stuff so they can start me on the road to fixing my hip. he told me it was going to take several weeks for my liver and other organs to get better and for me to feel normal again. Things have been rough for the last month or so as I re adjust to being normal, and Mrs. ZM and I had some pretty heartfelt talks about where we are as a couple, don’t worry the two of us will be together for a long time making each other frustrated and then making up for it in weird ways like new socks (I love new socks). Something also started happening within the last few weeks, but that’s for the private stuff Mrs. Zm reads after she sleeps.

What have all of these scars taught me? Well for starters I always carry an extra bottle of water with me and a can of soda for those days when an old woman who is dying needs something cool to drink, and when the confused diabetic needs some massive sugar intake and wont let me start a line for her. I wear better gloves now to protect my hands from rough walls, and don’t mind replacing them, especially since I can use regular old work gloves you can get at the hardware store in bulk, if they get blood on them, oh well ill toss em or wash em. I have also learned that your friends care about you, they want to see you at your worst so they can support you to be become your best, and see you when you reach your health goals.

Be safe out there kids, and never forget that you are never alone, and there is always someone you can talk to when the demons come, heck call me I’ll sit with you and we can fight the demons together.