I am feeling rather unsure of myself right now, that’s the best way to put things.  I left the world of full time user experience design in 2015 because my soul needed to be out outside, I simply put couldn’t handle another lay off, another cubicle job, and yet another disappointed look from Mrs. ZM when I once again had to find a new job. For almost exactly one year I was happy and whole, from May of 2015 to June of 2016 I was beginning to feel better about myself and everything that was happening.
The cancer stuff happened and it rattled me quite a bit but I was built of sterner stuff than I had originally thought and I am bouncing back physically as best as I can. This weekend was a milestone weekend for me, I performed at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival again, I was in full costume minus my rapier as the quillions (hilt) kept banging into my crutches, I had some rather odd experiences, other than my friends stopping by I had interactions with several people who knew a significant amount about me and my recovery but I had no clue who they were, I am good with faces but lousy with names and I was at a loss. I also was able to talk to a young man who I have known for years about tilting at windmills and life’s crucibles and what they make of us in times of great difficulty.
Earlier today, or yesterday depending on your point of view I was part of a scheduling  discussion where someone I used to see as a friend used me as an example of unfair scheduling, as is usually the case in these situations without actually knowing all the facts, combined with a great deal of negative energy in the area I work in I am truly feeling like I am not long for this job of my own volition should my surgery not be as successful as I hope it will be whenever it happens. I need to rebuild my front end skill sets as well as my design abilities, thankfully I haven’t completely abandoned those skills, just haven’t worked under a strict timeline in a while.

There are a lot of conflicting emotions going on in me right now and I have to be very careful how I say them especially to Mrs. Zm, what might seem like a healthy expression of what I am thinking from my end of things might ultimately turn into a serious misunderstanding on her end, which would only compound things greatly between us. I will admit it I am scared, scared of the what ifs and what might happens, what I know for certain is is that I hate overnight shifts, I hate being thrown under buses, I love my family, I love being a paramedic and a front end web designer.

So here we go again, this time no cancer, but a really long surgery, whenever that happens.