I have been feeling more than a little off for a few days, I am irritable and short on acceptance for other people. I was thinking it was just my usual winter blahs, then I read my private posts from two years ago and from last summer and I have realized that I am having a crisis of faith and or courage. The prospect of my upcoming surgery combined with outside dynamics have caused me to armor up and be prepared to attack at the slightest provocation, I am not at all happy with this development, but then again I might be sub consciously just getting myself ready for what will be another test of my metal as part of this great crucible that is my cancer journey.

Over the last few days I have not wanted to do anything other than lay in bed where I feel safe and warm, I have been finding it increasingly harder and harder to summon up my warrior spirit, the knowledge that I had to severe some long standing friendships recently because they failed to honor my friendship or my confidence is hurting me greatly. I simply can’t handle people smiling to my face while stabbing me in the back or violating the rules of hospitality. So I took the hard choice to remove these people from my social media accounts and will severe ties to them as time moves forward.

There is a great deal I want to say most of the time but as so often happens I am at a loss as to how to speak about them.