I have been struggling for a long time, feeling like my life has become meaningless, and that I have reached the sum of my existence. Some would suddenly perk up their ears and think I am become self destructive, but that’s not the case, in fact I have never been more focused on feeling like nothing than ever before.
I have been struggling for weeks based on the 14 draft blog posts I have that I haven’t finished, and this has been feeding into how I have been feeling. I find a great deal of inspiration in popular media from various video clips on YouTube , there is a dialogue in the movie “The Legend of Bagger Vance” where Bagger played by Will Smith is acting as caddy for Matt Damons Character Rannulph Junuh who is suffering from PTSD after World War 1, his character is lost and broken and with the help of Bagger he ends up in a golf game with two other golf superstars of the time.
The scene finds Junuh has hit his ball deep into the words, while there he begins having flashbacks to his time in the war, just before he breaks down Bagger steps up and the following dialogue happens
Bagger Vance: What I’m talkin about is a game… A game that can’t be won only played…
Rannulph Junuh: You don’t understand…
Bagger Vance: I don’t need to understand… Ain’t a soul on this entire earth ain’t got a burden to carry he don’t understand, you ain’t alone in that… But you been carryin’ this one long enough… Time to go on… lay it down…
Rannulph Junuh: I don’t know how…
Bagger Vance: You got a choice… You can stop… Or you can start…
Rannulph Junuh: Start?
Bagger Vance: Walkin…
Rannulph Junuh: Where?
Bagger Vance: Right back to where you always been… and then stand there… Still… real still… And remember…
Rannulph Junuh: It’s too long ago…
Bagger Vance: Oh no sir it was just a moment ago… Time for you to come on out the shadows Junuh… Time for you to choose…
Rannulph Junuh: I can’t…
Bagger Vance: Yes you can… but you ain’t alone… I”m right here with ya… I’ve been here all along… Now play the game… Your game… The one that only you was meant to play… Then one that was given to you when you come into this world… You ready?… Stike that ball Junuh don’t hold nothin back give it everything… Now’s the time… Let yourself remember… Remember YOUR swing… That’s right Junuh, settle yourself… Let’s go… Now is the time, Junuh…
I feel a lot like Junuh right now, its been a long road to get here, two years of struggles, two years of pain, and soreness, two years of wondering if I am going to ever be fully functional again. I am a drift and more than a little lost, its easy to get here, just as easy to lose your way, and it’s easy to just stop. The question is how do I get back to where I have always been? That is the question that I am working on right now.
There are a few tangible things I am working on, I am going to be painting the inside of our house this spring, I am waiting on the weather to warm up so I can air out the house so Mrs. ZM doesn’t die from paint fumes, as well as do what I can to clear off our front porch, Mrs. ZM will likely argue over the couch we have out there, it needs to go but we disagree on what should go there. Beyond the couch debate I’d like to hire an electrician and get outlets out there, and turn it into a more usable space, if we could do windows it would make a great office space for Mrs. ZM, who granted has an office, but if I am going to have a pipe dream I may as well have a big one.
I think I am going to plan my garden again this year, see if I cant grow some veggies.