Mrs. ZM reminded me that I haven’t been blogging as much lately, to be honest I haven’t really been feeling it lately, I have a lot of things going on both physically but also psychologically and I haven’t really wanted to do a lot of the things lately to be honest, I have a dozen projects that I started from Storm Trooper armor to the simple act of cleaning off my desk, nothing really engages me anymore, and I am suffering for it because when I see these things piling up I feel shame, it almost feels like if I don’t finish them I can capture time in a bottle and hold back life moving forward, I know that’s illogical but its the easiest way to explain how I feel. I am also chalking this up to increased anti depressants and surgery on my lung, I am cancer free by the way.

I am feeling distinctly more and more separated from myself from time to time. almost like there is a separate me now, again its difficult to explain, but I continue to feel shattered and scattered, I am sure its part of the feeling of loss I have been experiencing since Dr. Cheng told me that he didn’t think he could fix me, I am broken and its been increasingly harder to come to terms with just what I need to do to fix myself, I’m still looking.

Baring in mind everything I have just said, something odd happened this past weekend, I went to the Minnesota Renaissance Festival to perform with the Royal Guard, I used a home made cane and managed to go on several walks around the site, and I experienced something grand, I felt a new normal, one where I wasn’t doomed to well manicured paths, in fact as several people pointed out, I was likely in the absolute worst place for me, and I was having the time of my life, nothing like the prospect of maiming ones body by tripping on an exposed jagged rock in a gravel quarry to reawaken a dormant sense of adventure.

So now I am feeling like an agitated cat who hasn’t slept in two days who isn’t quite sure he is a cat.