It has been 3 years to the day that I found out my Chondrosarcoma had returned, this would start a cascade of events that would alter my life completely from every angle, and very nearly broke me. Long ago I had the honor of sitting with a veteran of World War 2 while we were taking him to the V.A. in Rapid City South Dakota, a 10 hour drive if memory serves with a great deal of time to talk about life and finding that stuff within you to get up and keep moving, because people are counting on you and you can’t let them down, not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

Ranger up sells a T shirt that says it best,
“To Ranger Up is to dig deep inside yourself and find energy and strength that most people don’t have. You dig just a little bit deeper. You find something in you that shouldn’t be there. Your body shouldn’t be able to keep moving, but it does—because it has to.
It’s beyond toughen up or harden up. No matter how many times you have to search for it, you’re going to find it. Because you’re a vet. Because you’re a cop. Because you’re a firefighter. Because you’re EMS. Because you have to. Because people are counting on you. Because if you don’t push now, are you going to be able to push when it matters?”
<https://rangerup.com/products/why-we-ranger-up-poster?variant=1453462421528>

I strove to live my life in that manner and it has served me very well, from finding it in me to push harder and harder to reach my goals, to become a better person, and to take risks that I normally wouldn’t have taken, because I needed to find out just how deep of a reservoir I had. There were times when I thought I had hit rock bottom and felt completely lost, when I lost my first pediatric arrest, when I held the hand of a dying woman pinned under her car as she tearfully said good by to her husband and one year old child, those images and many more still lurk in my brain, and for a while I thought they were just something I would have to live with as a natural part of my career as a Paramedic, but because I had great mentors I also put memories of my first baby delivery, my first cardiac arrest save, the night I helped pull an angel out of hell, and pulled a monster from a closet, these things were all part of the tapestry that made me who I was and am now.

My first bought of cancer scared me, it made me feel very small and weak, what it also did was inoculate me for what would come later, much like we inoculate our kids to protect hem from disease, I was able to go through all of the worst case scenarios ahead of time while having a very positive outcome, so that when my cancer returned I would be strong enough to face it down. I am sure if I hadn’t had that first go around the second would have likely ended me.

I have talked about my cancer a great deal in this blog and with others, and many people know that I was not in a good place, but I am not sure everyone fully understands what was going on with me then. I think comparing myself to someone in combat is disrespectful to those fighting for their lives in a war zone, but that is the easiest way for me to describe what was going on, looking back I think I was in a battle for my very soul.

my body was in pieces, I was in constant pain, and on a lot of pain meds that altered my perceptions because of those meds I was losing huge patches of time, time and events that I still haven’t quite gotten back, I found what I thought was the bottom of my well of strength, that point of where I can dig no more, and I was headed toward destruction, thoughts of suicide would wander through my head, thoughts of just accepting that I was what I was and that would be it. Strangely itt was my inner darkness that got me moving again, I was having a panic attack and sobbing my eyes out because everything in my life was going to shit, I heard the screaming of mothers who had lost their child, the wailing of wives when we stopped working on their husband of 50 years because his heart had just stopped and nothing we could do would restart it, and the voice of an elderly woman with dementia pleading with me for ‘something cool to drink”, even now as I write this they are swirling around in my head, I was in a battle for me. the winner would take it all and I was losing, I hit the bottom hard and it was at that moment, when the world splintered into a thousand razor sharp shards, shards that should have cut me to ribbons when I heard a voice from far away, a voice that said the words from one of my favorite songs, “you have yet to have your finest hour” and I felt peace spread across me, although the darkness was still there and all the pain and anger were still there, I found the strength to climb out of my hole of sadness and pain and claw my way back into the light inch by inch, until the sun shown down on me again.

I lay their naked, weak, and covered in sweat, snot, and tears, but I got up, every time I fell,  I often muttered the words “get up you son of a bitch, because people need you!”

I found my strength again, I found the will to make one more step, and then another, I let my self hurt because pain reminded me i was alive, I let myself feel sorrow because through sorrow I could find understanding, I let myself just feel again and I was reborn, and I learned that this scarred and battered form was still me, and I started the long road back. Mrs. ZM frequently says that she lost me after my cancer and subsequent recovery, she didn’t lose me I simply needed time to recover, but everyday I feel a little bit stronger, a little bit better mentally. Some things are different though I am harder now, things that used to annoy me no longer register for me, I don’t get angry as often, and I am more willing to accept things as they are and not try to make them fit my reality. This new way of thinking has confused and befuddled most of my friends and co workers, which amuses me greatly. In the last year I have embraced the mindset of the warrior, I nearly died yesterday, will likely die tomorrow, but alive, gloriously alive today, and that has made all the difference in my outlook.

I am tired a lot, but that is normal, I am working a lot and its a lot of walking around and using a lot of mental power. Add to this I am trying to get rid of 18 years of pack ratted junk and its no wonder I fall into bed every night and pass out.

For the most part I have been feeling like I need to sit quietly and wait, much like deer hunting or being a sniper, steady breathing and careful identification of my target is needed, my only question is what am I hunting? This might be more of a philosophical question vs the literal concept of  I am hunting prey, the other part of this feeling is I can’t quite shake the feeling that something is out there stalking me, or that forces are rallying against me to impede my forward progression to becoming the best possible version of me, scars and all.

So where do I go from here? Good question and I don’t really have a good answer to be honest. I need to figure out a lot of things, some of those things are going to be painful, others will be easy. I need to figure out if I am sticking it out in EMS or if I am going to pursue a UX/Front End web career. I need to figure out a lot of things internally within myself and whether I can continue to accept things as they are or if I need to make some changes, that part is going to take awhile and I need to take the time to work it out, I will need to tread very carefully so as to not make my situation worse.

What I do know is that the first step to me getting better was last spring when after some prodding I was finally able to look at myself in the mirror, make eye contact with the guy looking back at me and say “there you are, welcome home, it’s time to put that burden down, the battle is over for awhile and you have made it through”

to quote the late Stan Lee, “onward and ever upward true believers, or EXCELSIOR!”