This has been a post a very longtime in coming, it has taken me a long time to get my head wrapped around the idea that I am fundamentally unchanged after my cancer. When I say this I am not speaking of the physical, although that is still part of me I am instead speaking of my heart and soul. For far to long I thought it was my time to retire the main stage and meld into the choir, but I felt increasingly more and more depressed as part of the choir, and I was lost. Then I saw The Avengers Endgame movie, and I identified so strongly with Thor, he lost a lot, his family and his people and went from being a mighty warrior to spending his days playing online games but eating and drinking and his body showed it. I have done the same thing for the most part and it really does get to you. The scene that in essence gave me a smack on the back of the head was when he held of his hand for Mjolnir to come and it flew to him, reminding him that he was still worthy and I got better, sometimes that can happen. I was also glad they kept him big throughout the film.

So for months I have been simply doing what I have always done, I am moving forward. It’s like being in a gun fight, if you stop moving you’re dead unless you find cover, if you aren’t shooting (doing something) you had better be reloading (resting) but never be out of the fight until the very end. Now telling people you are in a gun fight is a great way to get a whole lot of attention from people who will try to stop your analogy, so I kept that quiet. Yesterday I went in for a regular follow up with my ortho doc, who said that I am amazing, although my graft has given up and fallen a part I am walking relatively pain free, I have never developed and infection which is a huge surprise to him, frankly I have to thank my infectious disease doc for keeping me on enough antibiotics to kill anything that moves, despite the issues it caused it likely saved my leg and body and should I ever have a chance to thank him I will. For one I am in the drivers seat regarding my recovery, I have an opportunity to remove several of the plates but and this was interesting move my hip socket over to where my femur is and perhaps be able to walk right again, this would be a monumental surgery and I am not entertaining it for now because although my spirit is there my body isn’t yet, maybe in a year I can do that.

Today I had a lecture for my Medic recertification and we discussed depression and suicide in EMS and the military and it got me thinking, almost immediately afterward a friend of mine who has made some big errors dropped off his firearms to so that I can sell them on his behalf, he too is feeling the weight of his mistakes and it drove home the idea that I think we forget that regardless of what happens outside we are still worthy of friends, of love, a life of adventure, and ultimately the place we believe comes after this life.
So my gentle reader if you are reading this and if you are in a dark place know that I will always see you as worthy and so will most of your friends, come back into the light and drive away the dark, and should you find yourself surrounded by dark thoughts call on me and we will fight them together.

so never forget, you are still worthy