I have a lot on my mind right now, the last couple years have been really bad for me, from worsening depression that I tried very hard to hide, self destructive behaviors, and an ever increasing sense of dread against the world. How do you tell people that you are overwhelmed at every turn, and you aren’t sure you can hold it together anymore.

I started seeing a psychologist a little over a month ago, she is nice, she is likely reading this, hi Kate. She told me that I should blog a lot more because that is my coping language, I can write what’s going on far easier than talk about it, because the written word is safe, the written word doesn’t get upset when you say you are beyond tired, beyond exhausted, and beyond hope. I know Mrs. ZM also uses my blog to see what’s going on in my head, in fact that is why I am going to be writing a lot more here, I need to get my shit squared away.

I am starting to remember things again, both good and bad, things that I thought I had lost a long time ago, I am sure that some of these memories are going to creep up on me in my sleep, but I know they are just bad dreams and they can’t hurt me, I pity Mrs. ZM as she will likely wake up when I crawl out of a nightmare, so my love I am sorry ahead of time. That last sentence made me laugh.

Work is as stressful as ever, at least today we were fully staffed so that made the day go slightly better, and the co workers who make me feel self conscious because of my handicap aren’t here today so those things are good.

I have come to the realization that I don’t really like a lot of people, and it’s easy to find yourself at odds with me, and I think I am ok with this. I am having a lot of trouble adjusting to the changing world I am in, I have tried really hard to be open and accepting, but right now I am just not able to adjust, I know this is all part of my own underlying issues and it will get better eventually, but for now I believe my best course of action is to simply smile and nod and change the subject, because at my core I believe that people are people. To my way of thinking, if I can’t be understood I would like to at least be respected, I want these things for me and I will do those things for others.

I had to abruptly end a new friendship last week, on a day that a close friend nearly killed themselves because they were certain people would not take them seriously when they asked for help, this individual shared a meme about how they felt a defendant in a trial was faking his ptsd response, when I called him out on this he doubled down and made a statement that I honestly have forgotten about, there are very few unforgivable sins in my world, but not being able to consider what you put out into the world as being harmful, and worse when you learn that what you put out into the world is harming someone you make light of it, I wish no ill will to anyone, but I do not have to abide that person’s company. My friend is doing better now, his work partner had run into him at Target and realized something was terribly wrong and did what we do best made herself a bother and wouldn’t leave him alone until he willingly went to the hospital. Because lets face it, there is nothing more annoying than a Paramedic who has decided you are going to get help whether you want it or not, it’s like a polyester wrapped octopus.

I had written earlier a post earlier today, I left it public long enough for Mrs. ZM to read it, and then I made it private, that post is something I will need to go back to now and again to see if everything i wrote is true.

But the ti9me has come to get ready to go home my hot wife and wonderful child, and my slightly eldest dog on this his gotcha day from 7 years ago, ill likely pet the other one too because she I think was a paramedic in a former life, she is a furry octopus who will love you no matter what you want.