I skipped a couple of days of blogging due to some scheduling issues, plus my Tuesday blog post is a hot mess that I can’t really clean up. This past weekend I went to Stillwater with Mrs. ZM to have some reconnection time and to shoot a bunch of pictures, we had a large amount of fun in our room with a fireplace, balcony, and big ass tub. Yesterday I had another rage event while driving, those are getting fewer and fewer but still present themselves, this particular one was caused when I was thinking about some very poor choices I made over the summer (which is what I was blogging about yesterday and was the catalyst for that reaction).

I am getting better at identifying when those triggers are going to affect me and when I need to separate myself from those triggers. I am still carrying around a great deal of animosity towards a great many people, I believe that some of it is deserved and some of it is me projecting my issues. I also feel that I am right in distancing myself from those people and those situations. I am having a hard time fitting into the changing world I find myself in, things that I have believed to be true for so very long are being challenged, and although I understand things change I am having a great deal of trouble adjusting.

I am still having nightmares, it’s always the same thing, strapped down in a white room, I can hear voices but can’t see anyone. I know from therapy that this is my own abandonment issues surfacing in my subconscious, this doesn’t make the fact I am having these bad dreams any better. I can take medications to put me down hard enough that I don’t have those dreams but then I am worthless for a few hours in the morning.

We are entering the holiday season, a time I legitimately both love and hate, I love the music and the joyfulness of people in this season of giving, I hate the significant number of people who feel the need to make this season into something more than a commercial attempt at helping to boost a stores end of year sales numbers. Christmas and the other surrounding holidays should be left alone, just like Halloween, its a holiday of candy and toys, roll with it.

I am doing better, it’s slow going, but I am re-learning what it takes to be present again.