The title has very little to do with this post, I just thought it sounded cool. I have been processing a lot of things the past few weeks and months. Looking back depression really had a hold of me, and it was holding me down and although I was trying to fight it, I was losing the battle. I think I felt like I didn’t have anyone to talk to about what was going on, that no one needed to know what was happening to me. I was also feeling really lonely, in a room full of people, I felt utterly alone, when people would check in on me I would say i was fine, or give them some benign issue because I legit thought they didn’t actually care. Looking back and I feel shame, also I barely remember half the stuff that went on, the blessings of a well honed trauma response I guess, I’m sure it will creep back slowly over time as I work through stuff… hooray…

Christmas was yesterday, this year we did our gift exchange in the spirit of Yule, which I think is northern European pagan, I got some cool stuff like a couple vests, although i am not a vest person normally these are pretty cool, now to find a frock coat or similar and an ascot to complete ensemble. perhaps some riding boots, the thought of a pearl handled revolver in a cross draw appeals to me as well, because I need an excuse to get a new pistol and leather. I have been shopping for pocket watches on amazon.. because I sometimes think I would have a lot of fun as a gunslinger/town doctor out west, maybe in the Dakotas looking for gold. Mrs. ZM is rolling her eyes at this I’m sure as she reads this.. love you honey.

I am dealing with a lot of stuff right now, it’s manageable, and I am feeling better than I have in a while, and I’m sure ill feel even better in a few months, I am optimistic about the future for the first time in a while, so that’s cool.

I Think this journey has been to break me down to my core again and allow me to rebuild, sometimes I think that’s required, instead of patching the walls, just gut the whole room and start fresh. It’s been a long time since I was reduced to that base material of myself, and I suspect that is where I am at currently, probably a good place to start.


“You find out what people are made of once you get to that base level.”
– Deputy Director Sean Joyce on HRT selection