Well here it is, 2022, normally I would be trying to get used to a new schedule at work but this year I am staying on my same schedule, which has been a bit confusing for me this week as I have new partners in dispatch. The weather got very cold here this week and it is as usual playing havoc with my body, nothing much to be done for it other than take my over the counter pain meds and move along.

I am finding that I am doing better with dealing with my situation and am working toward regaling some of the things I have lost, like my greater independence. I am struggling with dealing with some people in my life, many of whom hurt me emotionally, and added more and more to what eventually caused me to need to separate myself from them and it has caused serious issues in other areas of my life as well. I was reflecting on things today and I have found that I am unable to process relationships effectively, I feel more and more like I am trapped inside of a meat suit that doesn’t reflect who I am anymore, the problem is I don’t recognize who I am anymore, and yes I know recovery takes time. Just because I know it takes time doesn’t help me have a close relationship with the people important to me.

I am struggling this week, I have been for a little over a week, but it took me a few days to figure out I was struggling. I think it is a culmination of many things that are all happening at once that is causing my relatively fragile mental state to be effected. over 26 years in EMS has given me sore joints, damaged ligaments, and mild arthritis which always acts up in the winter, and lets not forget this minor hip issue I have. But all that being said I’m struggling connecting with people, I need to figure out a way to balance things out a bit better, I need to re-engage that part of my brain that can process relationships again.

There are a lot of things bothering me right now.
I’m gonna leave it there for today