I have drank many drinks with kings and queens, I have had politicians praise my name, I have seen the sun begin to dim, I have seen the rubble that remains when everything falls, and I learned some lessons. I have learned who is there for me when the glitter fades and the walls wont hold.

I was today old when I realized why I love the song from the Greatest Showman titled “We will come back home” on the surface it’s a little ditty about someone who lost that which was most important to him in his pursuit of money and fame. but for me it resonates differently. For me it’s the story of someone who got wrapped up in the idea that his success was dependent upon the recognition he received from outside people, and forgotten what he was actually fighting for. I have always tried to a a quiet professional, that person who deals with the problem and fades back into the environment, leave little to no trace that I had been there and let others collect the glory, because what I actually needed was the know that others were safe and secure.

My journey over the last few years has been a rough one, I feel like I was let down by my doctors, I think I would have benefitted greatly from having a psychologist in the fall of 2016, someone who I could work my issues out with and could have helped get me back on track mentally a lot sooner. I learned early on that I am most happy when I am helping people, whether thats as a paramedic, designing an interface for someone who is handcapped, or helping to fight evil wherever it may try to hide. The problem with that is that it’s really hard to find a job that allows you to pay a mortgage and hunt pedophiles…. yet. But because I spent so long trying to figure out where I was going I managed to get really lost a long the way, i lost my identity, it didn’t help that many people who were well meaning tried to help me become something I never wanted to be in the first place, and I went along with that to a point, usually until that part of me that wasn’t all that lost but no one was listening to managed to say “this isn’t what we should be doing” and then I would try to rebel and do my own thing, the problem was that I was rudderless trying to do my own thing. Thinking back I am not sure when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired but I know at some point I got sick of being broken all the time and started re-directing my energy at getting better, I am still pretty fragile but my outlook is better, I am trying to coordinate a group to go hog hunting but its slow and I’m not sure if it will pan out, I might end up just going by myself. I dunno, time to get back to work.